Facing my depression

Many of you may have forgotten, but months ago I made a comment about an exciting change I was making in my life. For those who do remember I know there's been lots of interesting speculation, mainly focused on a pregnancy (nope) or job change (not that either). Well I am finally ready to stand & share all. 

Last year, & for the first time I have been dealing with postpartum depression after having Liam. It took me a few months to see it for what it was but I was open with Ryan about it, we decided to go to my OB & I got help. I'd been dealing with what I think was depression after my divorce, etc but thought that was understandable & expected so I didn't deal with it like I should. 

Recently I finally made the step to set up some counseling sessions for myself to work through everything & help myself. I'm well past ready to feel like Erin again. I deserve better & so does my family. And I'm excited. The last few months have brought MONUMENTAL change inside myself & my heart that can only be described as divine intervention. I can only describe it like this: I used to be a swimmer & when you're pushing yourself you take deeper breaths & stay under the water as long as possible. As you do so your lungs start to burn for air, if you push too hard then it becomes involuntary & that's all your body can focus on. When your head finally breaks the surface & takes that first big gulp of air it's such a relief & your body can focus again. But you're still breathing against the weight of the water that's surrounding you. And then you climb out of the pool & all that weight, that resistance falls away. Finally...THIS is breathing! Those earlier breaths were just surviving.

My divorce was ugly, not on the outside, not because my ex is an awful man. It was ugly on the inside, inside of me & with all the weight and guilt I carried for my role in the downfall of our marriage & family. Many guessed (they were wrong), thought they knew, but few did & what amazed me was that those few....they were also the few who also remained by my side & continued to love me even when I hated myself. Rumors were & are still circulating about me that are simply untrue & that hurts. People were mean, nasty, & viciously attacked me in many public ways. I figured it hurt but maybe I deserved it. I lost many of my friends, very few remained actually. I have no family here, unfortunately at that time I was not very close with my own family, I was very close to my in-laws but I lost them as well & so I was alone. At first I was in the dark, sometimes literally, hysterically crying in my closet so my kids wouldn't hear me. Then slowly as I relied on the Lord to get me through the next week, hour, 5 minutes, people began to reach out to me, and then there was Ryan. He saved me in so many ways. Slow progress was made & eventually I was surviving, I had my head above water. And now....now I am breathing. Really truly breathing, and it feels amazing.

When discussing these things I once told a friend "If you go to hell and back, you'd better make darn sure to remember the lessons you learned along the way." That is what Ryan & I strive to do every single day. We don't take for granted the lessons we learned or the beautiful family we have. I am excited to be working through & moving past the paralyzing guilt, shame, self-hatred, & doubt. I am proud to be facing my demons & working past feeling overwhelmed by the slightest thing. I didn't used to be that person. For the first time in many years I am starting to feel like Erin again, I'm beginning to recognize myself when I look in the mirror. To be able to say & believe that I am a woman of worth & be grateful for all the many people that have entered my life in the past few years that never would have otherwise. I am grateful to my Father in Heaven for the love he daily pours down upon me & for my wonderful partner & husband who has been by my side- he continues to see me when I could no longer see myself. I still have some work to do but I am excited to be moving forward in our life and building a home and life with this amazing man. I am not the same Erin & I don't want to be, I want to be better because I have learned so much, but I do want to be me.